i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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