WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
then he tried to convert me to islam
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
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