That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
