That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
