I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
