She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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