im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just had sex on a roof
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
