So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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