Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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