Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
