I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
