Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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