I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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