i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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