when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
