I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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