Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
