Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
