we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
