he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
