I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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