dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
