I hate your face
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
