He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
