I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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