dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
