my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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