Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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