dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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