Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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