Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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