I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
