i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
