why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
