what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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