apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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