Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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