In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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