I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
