Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
