At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
