dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize