u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
