He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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