i barfeds in our rink
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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