Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
