dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
