EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
In America we eat man semen.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize