Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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