Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
