I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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