I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
