So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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