OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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