My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
