I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
worst night to have a conscience
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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