I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
